I Can't Stop Myself From Loving You
by erinjoy29
Summary: A complicated love triangle involving Ginny, Harry and Hermione. Ginny and Harry are best friends. Harry and Hermione are together. But Harry says he is in love with them both. Things happen that change everything.


Hey everyone, I haven't written anything in ages but I've been having problems with a guy at school and this is my only way of getting everything out of my system. I wrote it all down so I wouldn't have to think about it so much and you have no idea how much it helps. Life is, however, still pretty confusing, and I still feel really horrible no matter what my friend says about it not being just my fault. I feel as if it is and there's nothing I can do to change that. But I re-read everything after I had written it and decided it could fit into the Harry Potter world, so I changed some names to make this story. Enjoy.

* * *

She has always been the girl who is seen as being smart and pretty. She is so talented and gifted that everyone wishes they were her. She has absolutely everything. Including _him_.

Harry Potter. He hadn't had a girlfriend for a few years since the whole mess with Cho in his 5th year. And then he decided he liked _her_. Hermione Granger.

I, however, was Ginny Weasley. His so-called-best friend's little sister. In reality we were very close and talked about everything, even more than he did with Ron. I'm the real best friend; we share absolutely everything, leaving nothing out at all. I was the one he told when he first realised he liked Hermione. He was so unsure about everything and wanted me to help him get her to go out with him. Being the best friend I was, I helped him out to the point where I succeeded in getting them together and it nearly killed me.

Now they spend all their time together. By 'all their time' I mean '_all_ their time'. I hardly ever get to speak to him anymore and I sit with one of our other friends, Luna, instead. She is the only person who knows I am in love with him besides myself, and the only one who is always there for me. But the entire situation is beyond complicated.

We've all been friends for years, since I first came to Hogwarts really. I've had the biggest crush on him since the first time I saw him. Not because he's famous, but because he's just himself. He's smart, funny, brave and totally gorgeous.

It's now his 7th year, and consequently my 6th. He's been with Hermione for four months now and I still haven't got used to it. I admit that I resent her sometimes, and find it very hard to talk to her anymore. I mean, it's not like she talks about him all the time; well she rarely talks about him actually; but it still hurts to sit with her and do homework knowing that she has him completely and I don't. The real stab to my heart is when he will come up to us while we're talking and ignore me to focus on her. We've been friends for years but now that they have a so-called romantic relationship I don't even get a "Hi Ginny".

The really weird thing is that they aren't physical, and I'm not talking about being shy in public, I mean they aren't physical at all. They never do more than hug from a distance and hold hands very loosely. She's very shy when it comes to guys and she's still never kissed anyone. He's always scared he'll push too much and she'll freak out because just isn't sexual at all. They certainly don't do the things we do. I just don't understand why he's with her.

When I look at them together it's like looking at two people who aren't anything more than just friends. Not even close friends. But he talks about her as if she's so wonderful. I don't think she is. I know she's my friend and I'm supposed to be supportive but I can't help it when every time I look at them I can feel my heart break a little bit. Sometimes it gets so hard I can't even look at them when we go to the Great Hall for meals. I actually feel sick to my stomach watching them act all 'lovey-dovey'; which isn't anything more than them sitting next to each other with a rather large distance between them, for a couple anyway.

It's extremely weird considering Harry had always been a very physical person. Another thing I couldn't grasp. How he could go from hugging me with every inch of our bodies pressing together to being a foot apart and having his arms loosely around her so as not to scare her off; and _we've_ only ever been _friends_. Which has always been the biggest problem in our friendship. He knew that I was having feelings for him a year ago and he didn't feel the same way. We discussed it and eventually I told him I didn't feel that way anymore, that I was just confused. I think deep down we both knew how I felt and that I was lying when I said my feelings had gone back to just friendliness.

It all started to get complicated a month or so ago. Harry started walking me back from Quidditch practice once all the other team members had already headed back. We'd spend the time 'accidentally' walking into each other and rubbing up against each other. It wasn't really that noticeable that he was doing anything out of the ordinary to anyone but me. We were the only ones there, no witnesses to the lingering touches and fleeting glances as we walked side by side back to the castle.

When we got back he would immediately go over to Hermione while she was doing her homework by the fireplace. I didn't understand what was going on so I would just head over to the other girls or go and do my own homework. Anything to avoid watching them together.

But then the whole situation went to a new level of indecency. Hermione and I would be sitting in the common room watching Harry and Ron playing chess. All four of us would be sitting around the chess table and I would feel a hand beginning to slide up my leg. I had no doubt that it was Harry but I still couldn't believe it. He was with Hermione but was happy to feel me up with her sitting inches away.

I honestly didn't know what to do. I started to feel worse when I just couldn't resist him. I knew it was wrong to have feelings for him when he was with Hermione but in my mind I saw it as 'I had him first' and 'He was mine and she took him from me'. So I did something that was against all my morals. I began to reciprocate his touches. We would be sitting anywhere... the Great Hall, Study Room, you name it. If we could get away with it without anybody seeing our hands slipping into each other's laps we did it.

He was the first guy I'd ever touched in such a way and I had no idea what I was doing. But the moment he looked into my eyes, or I felt him harden under my palm, I felt like nothing else mattered but us. I felt powerful; the fact that I could bring about such a passionate reaction made me feel like I was the sexiest woman in the entire wizarding world. When we touched we were in our own secret world... nothing could reach us and we didn't seem to care as long as nobody saw anything. At this point we still hadn't even spoken about what was going on between us.

To the outside world he was the caring boyfriend who was happy to wait patiently for his beloved Hermione to be ready for any kind of physical contact. But I knew the truth, that behind the mask of kindness and caring, he craved the intimacies shared between a man and a woman. He wanted the closeness and that feeling we seemed to ignite within one another. I didn't know whether I felt this way because it was him or because of the way he was touching me, but I knew it felt wrong but right. I was so confused.

My endless confusion and beating myself up finally came to a peak two days ago. I'd had it with everything. My life was a mess, my school work was suffering, my friendship with Hermione had become so strained, and my feelings for Harry made me question so many things about myself. In particular I questioned whether I felt like I was willing to have a purely physical relationship with the man I loved because it was the only way I could have him.

He pulled me aside after Quidditch practice and told everyone to hit the showers. But he took my hand and led me off to the edge of the Forbidden Forest. We walked for a few minutes until we reached a clearing with the most beautiful and fascinating flowers and plants surrounding us. He sat down on the ground amongst a covering of soft grass and leaves after he laid his cloak down and pulled me down next to him. He picked up my legs and slid them across his until I was sitting right up against him and reached his arms around me to hold me close. Then he turned his face towards mine and leaned our foreheads against one another. I closed my eyes and enjoyed the moment sensing that he was doing the exact same thing.

I didn't know what was going on, but something was definitely different about today. I don't know how long we sat there like that before he finally spoke.

"Ginny," he sighed, "What have we been doing?" He still hadn't opened his eyes, but I felt his arms tighten around me.

I didn't know what to say. But I figured I should say what I was feeling. "Everything changed when you got together with Hermione. I didn't realise I still had any feelings for you until I saw you with her and had to listen to you talking about her. I still can't stand looking at the two of you together because it breaks my heart to think that she has you. You're hers to touch and kiss and love and she doesn't have to hide the way she feels. I have to be the dutiful best friend who listens to you after you've had a disagreement and who lets you use her because you aren't getting any from your girlfriend. I suppose I don't have to, but the way I feel about you makes me not care about the fact that she's my friend, at least not until what's done is done and it can't be taken back. I know the most we've done is touch and get each other off in a multitude of places but I still feel like we're betraying Hermione. Is that how you feel?"

He still hadn't opened his eyes, but he spoke quietly, "I feel like I'm stuck. I don't know what I feel anymore. I love Hermione, I love her so much, but she doesn't give me what I need. I'm a teenage male and it's programmed in our heads for us to want sex. I can't help but imagine what it's going to be like to be that close to her; but then I'll be thinking about us in bed together and she turns into you. You're the girl I'm inside of, touching you, kissing you, and I don't ever want to stop. You make me feel like I'm on fire, like the only thing that I need is to be right there with you and everything just fades away. But she's my girlfriend and you're my best friend. The worst thing is I think I love you both, but I don't want to hurt either of you. I just don't know what to do anymore, I can't talk to Hermione because I know she'll be hurt that we've technically being messing around behind her back and she's so fragile when it comes to these things, it's why I never push her. Our one attempt at kissing was nearly a month ago and you know how that turned out... a complete disaster. But when I'm with you... everything feels so natural. I don't hesitate to touch you," his hand slid from my arm down against my breast, gently massaging while continuing to speak, "because I know you want me. I don't know how to have sex, but I want to learn with you. I just need to know what you want. Because I don't want to do anything you don't want to do."

I took a deep breath and exhaled raggedly, "I want you. You know I want you and it kills me that you have so much power over the way I feel and the things I do. I would never in a million years have thought I would be _that _girl. The girl that messes around with her friend's boyfriend. I don't know what would happen if anyone found out. I know I want to keep doing what we've been doing, because I know it's the only way I can have you. You love her for whatever reason, but for some insane reason I love you too. It makes no sense that I want so badly for you to make love to me right now. I want to have a part of you that she doesn't, a part of you that is all mine. Even if it has to be a secret."

"I want that too," he said before claiming my lips for the first time in a searing kiss. He caressed my cheek and pulled back before looking into my eyes and saying, "I really want that with you. What about now? Everything feels right don't you think? We're best friends, I love you and you love me. We'll always have this part of each other; we'll be each other's firsts. We'll never forget this if we do it and nobody has to know. It can be our little secret."

I didn't know what to say. I'd dreamed of this moment for the past 3 years, from the moment I had any idea what sex really was. And here was my chance. I knew it was wrong, but everything he said made me want to be with him. I wanted him to be the first man to touch me in my most private places, places I had never even touched myself. I wanted him so badly it hurt. So I kissed him, and whispered one word. "Okay..."

He deepened the kiss while pulling my shirt up over my head. He glanced down at me and smiled before reaching for the buttons on my pants. He whispered, "You are so beautiful." before he finally unhooked my pants. He left them undone and reached up to remove his own shirt.

I'd seen him without a shirt on, but never this close. I reached out and slowly glided my hand down his chest, feeling every single muscle twitching as my hand passed over it. As I reached the bottom of his stomach I felt him quickly draw in a breath. I looked into his eyes and saw them clouded with lust.

I kissed him again and he unhooked my bra, throwing it down next to us. He started to kiss down my neck and made his way to my breasts. Taking one nipple into his mouth and sucking, I gasped with surprise before moaning due to an undeniable pleasure I had never experienced before. He continued his worship of my breasts, moving from one to the other, seemingly fascinated by two of the things I had never taken too much notice of. I had never understood the fascination with breasts, but all guys seemed to be fascinated with them without fail. I didn't care, because at that moment I felt his hand glide down to my pants and slide them off along with my underwear.

When I opened my eyes and glanced down I saw that we were both completely naked. Our chests heaving with excitement, I could see that he was already hard. I had never touched a man directly before, and Harry knew this. He took my hand and guided it to the part of himself that made him a man. I slowly grasped him and moved my hand up and down watching his reaction. His face was blissful, his mouth open just slightly as if in awe of what was happening. I couldn't believe it myself. When I slid my fingers up to his tip and lightly scraped my nails against him he seized my lips in a kiss before laying me down on his cloak and settling himself between my thighs.

He kept kissing me and slid his hand down to the most sensitive part of me. I felt two of his fingers enter me and begin to move slowly. I was already wet so he had no trouble adding a third finger to stretch me a little bit for something I now knew was much bigger.

He suddenly removed his fingers and looked into my eyes. "Are you sure?" he asked, never breaking contact.

I had so many things running through my mind, some saying this was a bad idea, and others saying it was a good idea. But the one thing I knew was I wouldn't ever have another chance to have my first time with someone I love and trust as much as I did Harry. So I whispered the contraception spell and guided him into me without saying a word. We never broke eye-contact.

I never knew how vulnerable I would feel at that exact moment. I felt like not only my body was bare, but that my mind was completely exposed to him. I couldn't hide anything as he slid himself into me slowly, breaking through the barrier that caused nothing more than a slight stinging for a few seconds before it went away entirely.

It was too late to go back now. He leaned down and kissed me as he began to move himself slowly in and out of me. I could feel every inch of him inside of me. The feeling it created was so extraordinary. I felt like I was walking up to the edge of a cliff, about to take a giant leap. I got closer and closer as he got faster and faster.

He made sure I was looking into his eyes when I was on the edge, seconds away from going over. And when I did, I flew. Nothing had ever felt so amazing in my life; not my first ride on a broomstick, not the first time I went to Hogwarts, nothing. This was the single most wonderful, incredible, remarkable feeling in the world in my opinion. Reaching the highest level of pleasure with the man I loved was so exhilarating I forgot everything. I forgot all the bad things and could only focus on the fact that I was here with Harry. I had made love with the boy, now man, I saw on that platform seven years ago. We shared something that we can never share with someone else again. Nobody can ever be my first but him, the same as nobody could be his first but me. And I would never forget it, not even if someone cast a memory charm on me.

After we were done, I realise that I really did just do what I swore I wouldn't do with him until he had broken up with Hermione. I never thought I would get so caught up in the moment that I would cross that line between wrong and completely unacceptable. The only thing I could picture was Hermione's face if she found out; or my brother's glare as he saw how I had disgraced our family by being a scarlet woman.

He held me in his arms after he pulled out and told me that he loved me. But it didn't change the fact that I had made love with him when I don't think he really loved me at all. How could he when he is in love with his girlfriend?

We walked back to the castle in silence, and while I didn't regret it entirely, some part of me did because I had betrayed myself, Harry and Hermione by doing this. I felt that I was the only one responsible, not Harry. Even though he instigated things, I felt as though I should have stopped him, not encouraged him. But I couldn't help myself, and I will never forgive myself for what I have done behind Hermione's back.

~~~*~~~

So here we are now, two weeks after I lost my virginity to Harry Potter, my best friend. Hermione is studying for NEWTs again and Harry is looking bored to death sitting next to her pretending to focus on the uses of unicorn tail hair in potions. But every few minutes he looks over at me and his face has this look. I don't know quite what it means, but it makes butterflies start zooming around in my stomach despite me wishing they would die and go away.

I know we've gone past that point of no return. I know we can't take back what we did, and if anyone ever found out I'd be so ashamed. I can't believe I'm _that_ girl, I honestly thought he loved me for me, not just for a booty call. After everything, he gets to have his cake and eat it too. No consequences for him. But if Hermione ever found out... I'd never forgive myself. I'd rather take this secret to the grave than ruin my friendship with either of them. While I still can't look at them together without having my heart break, I'm trying to deal with the fact that I can't have him. I won't lower myself to being there to have sex with him because he's in need of some physical attention.

We haven't had sex since that day in the forest. I swore to myself that everything would stop until he decided if he was going to stay with Hermione or break up with her. After a day I could tell that he was going to stay with her.

I've stuck to my promise. Even if it is just to myself. I'm moving on and I'm going to stay strong. I'm going to find a man who will love me for me. A man that will be all mine, a man that I can trust, a man that I can love unconditionally who will feel the exact same way about me.


End file.
